Tidbit A

So, last year, I had a TidBits section to the blog. These items are even more stream of consciousness writing than the blog itself, which I admit drifts a bit. As a result, I try to frame the bits, a bit, with headings. These are notes on things I found funny and some stuff I thought you'd find interesting; hope you enjoy… Grammar... Blogging can be an art form. For me, it is a form of note taking. As my elementary, junior high school, high school teachers, mom, brothers, sisters (I think you get the point) will attest, I was a horrible speller and not much better with grammar, nor proof reading. So, much of the blog is raw and may be hard to read/plow through. As my disclaimer at the top of the blog indicates, I am using this tool to help me improve as well. So, when you see the mistakes, LAUGH. Microsoft can only do so much with their Office tools to help me look reasonably smart. All the other short comings I own. And when you laugh, please know that I know you are laughing AT me and not with me. Trust me, it's ok. Jens Voigt... I remarked in my Day 3 post that I like to ride like Jens. Well, here is a sample of why. The following are Jens -isms, copied from the web. I strive to emulate these characteristics in our local riding scene... Jens Voigt counted to infinity - twice. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Jens Voigt Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know. Wally can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2. Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission. Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach. Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite. Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass. If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony. If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt. Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die. Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment. Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks. You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering. Jens Voigt can eat just one. The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked. Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt. Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together. Jens' tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries. Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself. Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise. The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.” If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.” Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.